How Do You Leave - When You Don’t Know the “How”?
Early this morning I sat in our beautiful cedar hot tub, dogs playing around the garden, blue sky stretching above, the trees just beginning to turn. You know - one of those crisp, beautiful autumn mornings where life feels so good, and gratitude literally swelled up inside me and overflowed within me..
And as I floated, I remembered where I was a little over ten years ago — where you might be right now. Stuck in a job, a role, a company – a situation - that was draining me. Worn down, exhausted, simply knowing with every part of me that something had to change but, I just didn’t know how I could change or what I could do to change it.
I want to share that story with you, because the “codes” I unlocked then may help you cross your own bridge now, give you the encouragement to start to make those simple steps or take one giant leap (like I did!).
The Text That Changed Everything
I loved my boss. She was amazing. The work was hard, it always took its quarterly toll on my health and often distracted me from being present with my sons and often times, in my marriage — but I loved it, because of her leadership. And then one Tuesday evening, I got the text: she had breast cancer. Surgery tomorrow. She wouldn’t be coming back.
It floored me. First, because I adored working with her. But also because it held up a mirror I couldn’t ignore: I do not want to be in her position one day, telling my teenage boys I’m sick, when they haven’t really seen me for 13 years because I’ve been so devoted & dedicated to my job.
That moment planted the seed.
Three Months of Truth
A new boss arrived, and it was like night and day. Micromanagement without a vision I could align with. No trust. I hated everything, this new way of working; same job, same role, responsibilities, same team, same company, completely new energy.
So I had a conversation with my husband. I remember it so clearly — on a ski lift, snow all around us — I said, I’ll give it three months. I’ll see if it gets any better.
Three months to see if I could make it work. Three months to prepare myself emotionally and mentally. Three months to get honest. And at the end of those three months? I knew. It wasn’t working and it was never going to work for me, my health, our family.
So I resigned. I didn’t have a plan. Just a realisation that this wasn’t working. And trusted that I would make a plan that would work. It was a big risk. A giant leap. Dropping 2 salaries… to one. Halving our family income.
I thought I’d have time to work out my next steps. Instead, they marched me out that very day. And do you know what? It was only once I was out that I saw the path ahead.
You Can’t See the Path Until You Cross the Bridge
That’s the thing. When you’re on one side of the bridge, staring at the otherside, you can’t necessarily see the path after the bridge. Your eyesight isn’t that good. There are trees in the way, shadows on the road.
But once you cross the bridge, you suddenly see five paths. Ten paths. Endless paths. And the code here is this: you don’t need to know the how or what before you leave. You only need to know the why.
Why Before How
Rimi once said: when you know why, the how becomes clear.
And that’s what I had to learn. Fixating on “how” is a masculine energy — structure, safety, security. And it’s not wrong, it just comes too soon. Parents, partners, bosses — they want to know “how.” How will you provide? How will you cope? How will you make it work? How will you fill your days?
But you don’t always know the how. What you do know is the why:
Because staying was making me unhealthy.
Because I was unhappy.
Because I am so exhausted, burnout at the end of the day and I’ve got nothing left for my marriage, for love – I just want to be left alone!
Because my boys deserved a mum who’s present, not miserable, too tired to play or talk.
Because my energy was off, and I couldn’t even be the role model I want to be.
That is why I left.
Because I wanted to feel good.
Because I knew I only had one fucking life.
Because I wanted to love being in my marriage!
Because I wanted my boys to feel and be part of my joy.
Because I wanted a life that fulfilled, fueled me and to wake up to every day thrilled to wake up!
That is why.
The Trust Codes
And when you have your why, you can learn to trust yourself.
I learnt to trust that whichever path I took, I would make it work.
I learnt to trust that if it didn’t work, I would know when to move and change.
I learnt to trust that the “how” would reveal itself only after I had made a decision to move, to change, to act, taken the leap!
I learnt the feminine energy of flow, of faith, of courage.
I remember standing with Rocky, looking at the paths home. Across the field, around the field, down to the river. It didn’t matter which one we took. All would get us home. And I trusted myself to make whichever path we chose the right one.
That’s the code: You don’t need to know which path will work. You only need to trust that you’ll make it work.
Crossing Your Bridge
So if you’re stuck, exhausted, miserable, staring at a job or any life situation that is draining the very life out of you — here are the codes I want you to hold:
Why before how. Stop obsessing over the mechanics. Honour & listen to your why.
Trust yourself. Trust that you’ll make whichever path you choose the right one.
All roads lead home. There isn’t one perfect route — there are many to choose from.
Leap, then see. The how appears only once you’ve crossed the bridge.
It isn’t easy. It takes courage, it takes faith, and it takes self-trust. But on the other side of that bridge is the life you’ve been longing for.
And I promise you — your whole body will relax the moment you make the first move to cross over.
.. this is my reminder to myself to be brilliant in the boardroom, the bedroom & in my body.
Love always
Ali xo
#remindertobebrilliant #thebrilliantyears #livebrilliantlyalive
Client story
This blog was inspired after recanting this story to a client who wants to leave a job she is no longer enjoying. She asked me ‘HOW’. I reminded her of the ‘trust codes’ and the importance of ‘WHY’. She texted me with a response with this photo - look at the car number plate I have been following as listening to you.
“I had fallen out of love with my business after a tough year. My anxiety levels had reached a point that it was affecting my health. I needed to rework the way I think and find the joy in business again.... Ali has helped me to enjoy my business again and I can see the future vision again. She is now helping me to work towards that.
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