ships in the night
Long term relationships, marriage is not easy.
Things clients have said to me:
“We are like passing ships in the night.”
“I lie in the same bed every night with a stranger.”
“Where are the happy couple in the photo on the mantelpiece? What happened to them? Can we ever go back?”
“They are the life and soul of a party, motivate, inspire and lead all day and I get the grumpy, tired, angry version. Is that right? Is that normal?”
“I walk on eggshells the minute I walk in the door / when they walk in the door waiting to see which version I get.”
“I don’t understand how they could do that to me, to us? What did I do wrong? How can I make it better?”
“Do I stay? Or do I leave? What is the right thing to do? What would you do?”
“I just don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel any connection at all..”
“I think there is someone else. I feel sick. I can’t be on my own. What do I do?”
“They’ve changed. We’ve changed. I don’t think we want the same things anymore. It’s just not the same.”
“I am no longer in love with them. Is just love, like or friendship enough?”
“I know I need to leave. I can’t do it any more. I can’t help them, support them any longer. But I am full of guilt and don’t know how or what to do.”
There is no right or simple answer to any of these questions.
99% of them I have had in my own mind.
(little secret - I am even have a couple flying in my head at the moment!)
100% of them I have helped my clients work through.
100% of them have had different paths and outcomes.
100% of them have wanted it to be over, done, to be ‘there’, to feel relief, to feel free, to feel safe, to feel ok, better…
100% of them are happier many times over now than they were…
Yesterday, a potential client said she wasn’t in a position financially to work with me and I was wracked with guilt because I know I can help, guide, mentor and support her in navigating difficult decisions to an outcome that feels good.
I worked with my own mentor through my guilt, my shame around asking people for money in return for a path to joy, to peace, to love.
She said to me, ‘Alchemise your guilt into purpose. Create great content for free and low cost. Show them how they can invest time in doing the work, finding their path if they can’t or aren’t willing to invest financially.”
So this is what I am sharing for anyone who has nodded to any of those questions or thoughts above.
When it comes to relationships, I believe the first step is always about you. Your relationship with you, how you know and love yourself is the reflection of all the relationships you have whether with a lover, partner, friend, colleague or client.
It all boils down to an awareness of your own self.
Not many people have the courage to start again in midlife.
Most people try with all their might to avoid the chaos & uncertainty of separation and choose to stay in a loveless relationship, mundane rituals and ‘pink & blue’ jobs … living only in the dream of romance and true love.
Most people choose to stay in a job because it is easier to stay than leave, choosing steady income over passion & play, denying the world and themselves of joy and limitless potential (and income!). Most people will never move far.
They stay in a community that feels safe, choosing what they know rather than finding out who they are in new environments, cultures and cities.
In midlife, we forget we were born to fly. The beautiful & unique wings we created in early adulthood run the danger of losing their power, their strength. They lose their lustre, their shine, their colour, their bright boldness… The wings hang limp. Unused. Weak. Seemingly powerless.
The thing is, you don’t have to leave your marriage, change career or move away to ‘find’ your wings. They are with you. Always. You just have to remember they are there and start to use them again.
A woman, mother, wife, daughter’s greatest fear is to be seen as ‘selfish’, putting herself first, prioritising her needs over others.
In 2023, I recorded a 12 part series to help my audience understand and see how doing this is never selfish, when prioritising yourself is done in service to others, your family, the people who rely on you.
These were the steps I took myself through to bring myself back to life and in to my life to make the decisions I needed to make to go forward:
Self Awareness
Self Compassion
Self Acceptance
Self Appreciation
Self Centre
Self Respect
Self Belief
Self Love
Self Curiosity
Self Confidence
Self Motivation
Self Leadership
I come back to them every time and ask which one do I need to help me today to be brilliant in my bedroom and I always find the answer. Today I used self respect. I felt totally disrespected and stood up for myself. A proud of me moment.
As is every day, this is my reminder to myself to be brilliant in the boardroom, the bedroom & in my body.
Love always
Ali xo
#remindertobebrilliant #thebrilliantyears #livebrilliantlyalive
A gift…
If this blog post resonated with you or you are reading it because someone shared it with you to help you and you would like access to ‘Come Fly with Me’ - please email me ali@alimortimer.com.
This is usually only available in my Love Club with access to my full Love Club Library of trainings & courses - but because you are reading this, you can have for free!
“I love and appreciate your vulnerability and shared learnings so much! You’ve given me a more positive lens to look at this through - thank you, Ali... ”
